There’s only a week before Christmas, and you still don’t know what to get for the Republican Presidential candidate on your list? Don’t worry! Costco is here to help. These candidates have been working hard most of this year, excreting their feculence all over America. Isn’t it time to thank them for dropping deuces on immigrants, Muslims, climate scientists, gays, Mexicans, common sense, good taste, and decency? We think so, too! Lucky for you and them Costco is number one for number twos! Here are just a few suggestions to keep their back doors swinging all the way to the election:
Ted Cruz: 144 Preparation H Medicated Wipes
Look at that pinched face and that forced smile. The guy is clearly uncomfortable. Is it the cognitive dissonance of being a Princeton and Harvard alumnus and former Supreme Court clerk running as an everyman populist? Or is it being an being an anti-immigration Cuban-Canadian? Maybe. Or maybe he’s just got the fire down below. Preparation H is the trusted name in taking care of flaming assholes. But careful! If Senator Cruz uses all 144 at once, he might disappear!
Marco Rubio: (2) 2 oz tubes of Preparation H Ointment
Rubio and Cruz are two sides of the same coin: young, inexperienced Latino senators from big southern states. Until Cruz finishes ripping Rubio a new one, his old one has got to be plenty sore: pushing out a steaming pile like a massive tax cut for the wealthy and finding $4 trillion to pay for it has got to burn. Get him the two pack – one for now, and one for when he has to explain why he thought George W. Bush did a “fantastic” job.
Ben Carson: 400 Kirkland Signature Brand Anti-Diarrheal Caplets
Most people would rethink many of their choices when realizing they needed to buy anti-diarrheals by the crate. But most people are not Ben Carson. The good doctor is squirting stools faster than his aides can wipe them up! Is China fighting in Syria? Were the Egyptian pyramids for storing grain? Did he actually stab a guy? Ugh. This is getting disgusting. Act now to get this guy some anti-diarrheals before he smears his drawers like he smeared the reputation of neurosurgeons.
Jeb Bush: 200 Dulcolax Laxative Tablets
Hey! Remember Jeb?! We’re shocked to find out he’s still running. The electorate just isn’t ready for a gentle, predictable candidate this time around. But Bush is definitely ready for the gentle, predictable relief of Dulcolax – helping him drop the twin loads of his brother’s execrable Presidential record and his own failed education reform. Jeb’s going to a need all the “comfort coating” he can get when the job he thought was his slips through his fingers all warm and wet like when your niece blew out her Huggies.
Chris Chrstie: Economy Pack of Preparation H Suppositories
Where would gift givers be without Costco’s incredible variety of Preparation H products? Finding the perfect one for the governor of New Jersey is tricky. Christie has been talking from his ass for so long, it’s gotta be sore: he was for gun control, Common Core, and immigration reform until he decided he wasn’t. Show the big guy you care with this supersized pack of suppositories: he can stuff ’em up there side by side.
Carly Fiorina: Trunature Digestive Probiotic.
Women don’t get constipated or irregular. They get “bloated” and need help restoring “digestive balance.” This is just the kind of euphemistic language perfect for Fiorina, who has turned her destruction of Hewlett Packard and disaster at Lucent into “qualifications” to be CEO of the US. Her “record of success” includes firing 30,000 people and the lack of a real job since 2005. Even through that weirdly botoxed face, you can see she’s straining under the weight of those giant BMs.
Donald Trump: Fleet Enema Six Pack
We had a great summer with Trump: every shart about Mexicans, women, and POWs was reported on like the embarrassing noise it was. It’s winter now, and The Donald is full on dropping ’em down his pant leg. There’s plenty more dookies in him – and this six pack is just the thing to get it all out at once. Fleet enemas have a patented “comfort tip” – but that’s only for losers and cowards. Just wedge ’em in there, and let it all wash out at once. One big, stinky flow of fascism, racism, and misogyny. Just the kind of shit that should help keep his poll numbers strong. C