Tag Archives: Diet

I Think I’d Enjoy Being Rich and Famous

Like everyone else, I spend a lot of time following news about President Trump and his various advisors. I may not agree with everything they say, but I can’t deny that they’ve inspired me. After carefully considering their biographies and their public statements, I have completely changed my life goals. If I had to narrow it down, I guess I would put it this way: I want to be rich and famous.

I thought about just being famous without being rich. It would be nice to have people ask for a selfie with me at Panera. And I wouldn’t mind People running

my-abs

pictures of my abs or an Us Weekly poll indicating that I “wore it better.”  I  could probably make a little money from being famous,  but I don’t want to have to appear at the opening of a Mazda dealer or keynote the annual meeting of payroll accountants in Reno. I’d get sick of telling the inspiring story of how I safely landed that plane, or how I showed the world that a 42-year-old man could medal in gymnastics.

I also thought about being rich but not famous. I could just just sit in one of my open floor plan homes looking at my Apple watch until it was time to go to”the club” or some sort of gala dinner “for charity”. Also, I could buy cool stuff from Pottery Barn that looks like authentic stuff but costs more. And I suppose if people saw me at  one of my houses or my expensive replica stuff from Pottery Barn, they would say “hey, he’s really rich! Well, good for him. Huzzah!”

That wouldn’t happen, though, because no one would know I was rich unless I was also famous. That is why I want to be both. I think this might be confusing to people. Yes, I want telephoto shots of my abs in a weekly magazine and I want to have reproduction tchotchkes from Pottery Barn. But being rich and famous is just a means to an end.

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I want to be rich and famous because I have certain beliefs. I believe that black pepper is a topical cure for colorectal cancer, for example. And that the many celebrity deaths in 2016 were actually assassinations – part of Fidel Castro’s terrorism long game (that bastard’s henchmen took two members of ELP in one year, and we did NOTHING!) And I’m convinced that the Sermon on the Mount is the only proper source of a STEM curriculum for middle schoolers.

Are you laughing at me? You wouldn’t be if I were rich and famous. If I were rich like Betsy DeVos, I could set up foundations with lots of staff and media people to publish lesson plans on Jesus-based technology. I could make big donations to politicians who would pass laws banning ropa vieja and rumba unless and until Cuba released all of its files on Florence Henderson. Sean Hannity would probably have a segment asking why scientists don’t admit they can’t prove putting black pepper in your butt doesn’t cure cancer.

Unfortunately, Betsy Devos will get to make schools safer for rapists  and less safe for grizzly bears while my equally factual and useful positions never get heard. Robert Kennedy Jr. compares vaccinations to the Holocaust, which Ben Carson says wouldn’t have happened if the Warsaw Ghetto had more AR-15s.  Are those opinions better than mine? I say Polish immigrants introduced eczema to the US in the 1920s.  National Security Advisor Michael Flynn says that Shariah law is being imposed in Florida. You can’t say these aren’t all equally serious ideas.

What do these people have that I don’t have? Money and fame, of course. It would be so great to just spitball ideas and theories and then have people buy my books. I could meet Dr. Oz! Bill O’Reilly would probably let me finish my sentences! I bet I could get Kid Rock to tweet out links to my YouTube videos! If I became rich and famous, other rich and famous people would want me at their events. I could be on the red carpet and say things like, “yes, I am wearing Brioni. But you know what matters tonight? That all kids have the opportunity to learn what Jesus teaches about trigonometry.”

No one would think that was weird! I could get my teeth capped and use pomade and Americans would think I must be on to something because I was rich and famous. If Meryl Streep criticized me on MSNBC, Joe Scarborough would probably say “but wouldn’t you agree we have to teach both sides of the debate? There are serious questions about the Poles and skin…” and the Meryl would try to answer, but Joe would cut her off because they have to go to commercial.

Mary Lou Retton

The best thing about being rich and famous is that once you become rich and famous, you will basically always be rich and famous. Someone from New York Times might “discover” that my grabbing the yoke didn’t save that plane, and that I was really just lunging for the female pilot’s breasts. And that maybe my gold medal in gymnastics wasn’t from the Olympics, but from  the Ol’ Impiks, a competition my family sponsors every year in Martha’s Vineyard where I’d impishly hired Mary Lou Retton to dress up like me. It wouldn’t matter, because the people who bought my books and admired my abs would say the media was trying to bring a good man like me down.

When you are rich and famous, people think you can do anything – even if those nerds at Vox insisted that all of my money was from my wife’s family who made it selling tear gas in Birmingham in the 60s. I could start a lifestyle brand, or fund a start-up to develop my idea for a car than ran on safe, renewable kittens. Maybe I could even run for President!

 

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Your Fat Child Is Upsetting Me

Tyler Prescott, Father

I have a reputation for being the dad that’s willing to say what the other parents won’t. I don’t know we can’t be honest with each other – we’re all at the same school seeing each other day. I think we should value openness and talk about it when something is bothering us, especially when it has to do with our kids. So I hope you won’t take this the wrong way, but your fat child is really upsetting me and a lot of the other parents.

It’s distressing to think that our school has an obesity problem, and frankly I’m upset that you aren’t taking the time to do something about it. We have spent so much effort making Taft Elementary the kind of school we can be proud of. We raised money for the landscaping and Smart Boards and new lacrosse uniforms, just to make the school look attractive to others. A lot of parents are worried that having such a fat student really takes away from the positive image we want the school to project.

You are certainly welcome to raise your daughter any way that you want. But it’s getting a little difficult to explain to my kids what’s with wrong her. The other day, Beretta asked me why I sighed when I saw her, and Dru wanted to know if calling a kid “disgusting” was a ok. There’s going to come a time we have to explain to our kids about the nicknames it’s ok to use for people who are different from us, but I didn’t want it to have to be so soon. All I’m asking for is a little consideration.

At church, our kids learn that we are all beautiful because God loves us and created us in His image. It’s important to us, as I’m sure it is to you, that kids don’t find reasons to question what they learn at church. What am I going to say when Beretta asks me if God is fat? I mean, of course He’s not, because he’s a perfect being. So why would he make people fat? Is this one of those things where God just looks the other way, like the Holocaust or with the gays and Muslims? It’s upsetting me just thinking about it. Imagine what it will do to my kids. My wife and I want them to grow up with faith, not upsetting questions.

Your daughter has no way to understand the body choices that you’ve made for her. Does she even know of the many opportunities that would be available to her if she weren’t so fat? It’s very sweet that she tries to play with the normal kids, and I think it says a lot about our school culture that the other kids try to accept her in spite of her appearance. Thank God for the anti-bullying program, right? Still, I think we can all agree that life would be so much easier if she looked like the other children.

You should think about the example she is setting for the other students. She’s eating what she wants, not even looking at the calorie count or ingredient label. She isn’t even on a single athletic team – is that really appropriate for a third grader? I really don’t know how else kids learn about taking every opportunity to crush an opponent if they don’t play sports. Sometimes she just sits during recess and reads! And do you think she’s really comfortable being the only kid in school who never wears Under Armor? Beretta asked me if this means that she is poor. I don’t want my daughter having to worry that she goes to school with poor kids, especially when she’s already figured out that poor people mean bad neighborhoods, crime, and gangs.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you thought about counseling? Maybe your daughter has some sort of issue that makes her want to be so lazy. I’m sure there’s a psychologist that specializes in kids with messed up attitudes about their bodies. Better to take care of this now than when she gets older and has trouble finding a husband or a job, right? She still has a really good chance of having a normal life if  you start now, and we’re all totally ready to support you on this.

I’m glad we could have this talk.

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Thank Goodness I Can Eat Gluten Free at T.G.I. Fridays!

T.G.I. Fridays has a gluten-free menu. This is great news for all the people out there that were saying “You know, I *really* have a taste for a 10 ounce rib eye with ‘generous marbling’. And I like that I can get my meat with a side order of ribs, because my favorite side dish to meat is more meat. And when I’m done with that, I really like to tuck in to an ice cream sundae with chocolate and caramel sauce and whipped cream all washed down with unlimited Coke refills. If only I could have such a delicious meal gluten-free!”

Well you lucky bastard, it’s like Friday’s marketing team just did a little bippity-boppity-boo for you — because each of those things are on Fridays’ amazing gluten-free menu. It’s super-thoughtful for Friday’s to offer these options, because 1 in 133 people in the United States (about 3 million individuals) have celiac disease, which is a nasty auto-immune disorder. Oh, wait. While 3 million people sounds like a lot, that’s less than 1% of the US. So, it’s pretty unlikely that you’re part of the population afflicted. And it’s even less likely if you’re not white. Yes, that’s just another example of black privilege in this country.

Good. And good for you!

But don’t feel left out. Because while it’s unlikely you have celiac disease, it’s pretty likely that you’re fat. Because while one percent of the population has celiac disease, more than 34% of American adults are obese. That’s three million people vs. seventy-eight million total, or the difference between the population of Nevada and the population of TWO Californias. Two big fat Californias – and one of them is letting their giant arm hams spill over onto your space on the plane, except you don’t notice because you fell asleep and it would’ve been ok except for you’re wearing a t-shirt and they’ve got big arm-hams which means they’re wearing a sleeveless shirt and you wake up and your arm is STUCK to their arm-ham and what’s the polite thing to do when that happens?

Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s really unlikely that you have celiac disease and much more likely that we’re going to be stuck to each other on a plane. You could have at least bought me dinner first. Hey! Maybe we can go to Friday’s, where we can both enjoy the gluten-free menu!

Maybe you don’t actually think you have celiac disease. Maybe you just think you have “gluten-sensitivity.” That mean protein in grain makes your tum-tum hurt. Stupid lousy gluten comes in and wrecks your system which would otherwise be happily digesting the meat with a side of meat, trough of soda, and sweet, sweet fatty sugar covered with sugary fat. How is it that you’re concerned enough about what you eat that you know what gluten is, but not so concerned about what you eat THAT YOU STILL EAT AT FRIDAY’S?

Gluten sensitivity is like sexism. Five years ago, I never heard of it and now everyone is acting like it’s this big deal. Eleven percent of American households reported buying gluten-free foods last year, spending more than 10 billion dollars on a disorder that researchers firmly concluded “may exist.” Are you telling me that Americans wasted all this money  and changed their behavior because of something that “may exist?” What next? Are we going to a big building on a weekend morning to ask for gluten’s blessings?

Eating gluten-free seems like it’s just the latest incarnation of our scapegoating of grain. Grain: it’s the Homosexuals of food. The devil wheat gets blamed for everything. Do you think I’m kidding? Two of the books on the New York Times’ “Food and Fitness” best-seller list are Wheat Belly and Grain Brain. Two of the other books on the list are Wheat Belly Total Health and The Grain Brain Cookbook. And then there’s Danielle Walker’s Against All Grain: Meals Made Simple. If you’re counting, fully half the books on the “Food and Fitness” suggest that the magic bullet for a losing weight and leading a healthy life is avoiding wheat. What’s weird is that the last decade’s big grain-blaming diet fad, the Atkins Diet, turned out to work because participants ate less.

But who the heck wants to eat less? Or for that matter, exercise? This is AmericaDid you notice that none of the popular food and fitness books are about, you know, fitness? Anyone think that The Impotence of Being Earnest Presents: Take a Walk has a shot at the best-seller list? No? What about the sequel: Impotence of Being Earnest: Use the Stairs? According to the Grain Brain website, that dastardly wheat is responsible for low energy levels, depression, and “brain fog.”  Which is more likely? That after 10,000 years of being eaten, wheat is finally getting its revenge, or that “binge watching” is now a thing we admit to, and 22 straight hours of House of Cards will probably cause low energy, depression, and whatever the hell “brain fog” is.

According to her website, Danielle Walker cured herself of ulcerative colitis by changing her diet and being adorable. What did she eliminate from her diet? Dairy, wheat, gluten, and legumes. She’s perfect candidate for the Grain Brain Cookbook, which the leading Amazon review raves “is high-fat and low carbohydrate.”  Indeed, Walker’s website helpfully links to the Grain Brain page, which tells us that our brain “thrives on fat and cholesterol.”  I definitely want my brain to thrive, so I will absolutely eat more of those – better to have a meat ass than a grain brain, I always say. Or I will now, especially when my so-called doctor tries to tell me that high cholesterol correlates with an increased risk of heart attack and stroke, two of the top five leading causes of death for Americans.

Really, how lucky can we be? We Americans love to eat meat AND it turns out that it’s the key to weight loss and a healthy lifestyle! It’s almost like these books are successful because they tell us to do exactly what we already like doing!  Forget the fitness books I was going to write. I’m writing a book for teenage boys called How to Get Into College By Masturbating. 

But first, I’m going to clear my brain by eating this giant, delicious steak.

 

 

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*This* Is the Thing That Chicago Public Schools Is Doing Equitably?!

My wife and I are very proud of the fact that our two kids go to a Chicago Public School. Chicago has one of the best public school systems in the country. Or it will once the city secedes from the rest of the United States. We were super excited for this school year to get underway, without the threat of an imminent strike or lingering ill will and uncertainty about massive school closings.

Maybe there wasn’t one big story that overshadowed this school year in the way that we enjoyed in 2012 and 2013. Or perhaps we’re just in a lull before Rahm privatizes or closes every neighborhood school in 2016. Or maybe it’s that we’ve overlooked the big story of this year: every CPS student now gets a free school lunch.

This is classic nanny state garbage. Who is the school to try and feed my kid a pre-packaged mass-produced lunch? I demand choice! I demand the right to feed my kid whatever pre-packaged mass produced lunch *I* choose, not what some bureaucrat tells me. I know what’s best for my boys. And what’s best is that they sport at least a B-cup by 6th grade. I don’t want my sons to know the agony of being appointed to the committee for itty bitty…oh, it’s too painful. It’s hard having boys.

How do I know the school is going to take into account my children’s many food-related allergies, religious beliefs, cultural taboos, and special needs? My wife and I carefully planned their regimen of homeopathic vaccines, raw milk, dried tiger penis (and not the fake stuff), and kombucha colonics. I’ll be damned if CPS bureaucrats are going to ruin all of our hard work.

But the lack of choice is not the only thing bothering me. The new initiative is wholly funded by a federal program that ends individual students’ applications for the program. Instead, because so many families in CPS are low-income, the whole district will qualify for free lunches. The old system required the lunchroom staff to keep track of which kids qualified for free or reduced lunch, and I’m sure there were kids who felt stigmatized by being identified as needing the program. But no more! The children of the affluent will be treated exactly the same as those with financial difficulties. All kids will be equal in the cafeterias of the Chicago Public Schools.

And there’s my problem. We are in CHICAGO. These are kids in PUBLIC SCHOOLS in CHICAGO. Chicago, famous for being among the most segregated cities in the country. Chicago, where I can ignore appalling gun violence because it doesn’t happen near me. There are two things every Chicagoan loves: gross inequality and that other thing. Do you know the best way we’ve found to preserve inequality in Chicago? With our public schools! What’s the point of being a privileged white family in CPS if we’re going to be treated like those families whose depressing stories always lead the evening news?

Up until now, CPS was preserving inequality beautifully. Forty-one percent of CPS schools are more than ninety percent African-American. Sixty-eight percent of the system’s African American students go these homogenous schools. Close to 90% of students in CPS come from low-income families. A federal commission report noted that poor urban students “are getting an education that more closely approximates school in developing nations.” (source for all of this) CPS wants my kids to eat lunch like kids who might as well be going to school in Somalia?! I didn’t fork over all that money for infant French literature classes and MENSA preschool for this! If I wanted my kids to grow up in some desolate isolated backwater, we would have moved to Tinley Park!

Sure, CPS already treats all kids equally in that it  does a lousy job preparing all of its students for college. But it does an especially bad job preparing the poor and African-Americans. And it does a great job of making sure white kids go to the best high schools in the city. Fewer than 10% of CPS students are white, but they took better than 40% of the spots at Walter Payton and Northside College Prep, gems of our system. That’s the kind of inequality that I expect from the City of Big Shoulders. Of course, it could be that those white kids were just better prepared – helped by the fact that when the district has some extra money to throw around, it gave it to the whiter schools on the north side.

Here’s the other crazy thing about this new free lunch program: part of the justification for the program is that it will end corruption. WHAT?! This is CHICAGO.  In COOK COUNTY.  Which, last time I checked, is in ILLINOIS. No one with any integrity holds public office here. Every so often, someone of character and rectitude wades into the waters of local government. In mere seconds, their bones are stripped clean of morality and character by the piranhas of our political culture. They vanish below the surface, their bloated corpses becoming part of the effluvia of public office, rotten and ignored until their skeletons wash up years later and engineer a cush job for their offspring.  We have a finally balanced ecosystem of corruption in Chicago. You can’t go messing with it. Take away the piranhas, you get crocs. Take away the crocs, you get sharks. Try to deal with the sharks, you get sentient liquid metal assassin robots from the year 2031 by Governor Skynet. We put one governor in prison because he was selling drivers licences and he was replaced by a governor who tried to sell EVERYTHING. People complained about Daley because he closed ONE tiny airport. Rahm closed FIFTY schools!

The previous school lunch program was only defrauded by administrators, staff, and parents. By local standards, that’s not so bad. With the relaxed standards, everyone is going to get in on this — and then how am I going to guarantee that my kids are going to get more?

 

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Six Ways to Make Guacamole – And You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next!

It’s summer, and that means parties and parties mean dips! And with most kids in the United States being born to minorities, there’s no better time to bring some Latin flavor to the table. With these awesome takes on the fiesta classic, you can make a run for the border without climbing over a single fence!

guacamoleQue Pasa Authentic Guacamole

2 Avocados
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 clove garlic
1 ripe tomato, chopped
1 lime, juiced
salt and pepper to taste

Peel and mash avocados in a medium serving bowl. Stir in onion, garlic, tomato, lime juice, salt and pepper. Season with remaining lime juice and salt and pepper to taste. Chill for half an hour to blend flavors. Remember this kitchen secret: leave those avocado pits in to keep it fresh! It doesn’t work, but it’s super fun to be one of those people who has kitchen secrets.

Speedy Gonzales Guacamolespeedy_gonzales

America has the bald eagle. Mexico has Speedy Gonzales. Capture the spirit of the Mexican icon with this muy rapido version of delicious guac, for those weekend days when you have to take the kids to their tutor, dance class, tennis lessons, French enrichment, and anxiety group. Simply replace the two avocados with two cups of reconstituted avocado powder (hint: the less you stir, the more authentically chunky the guac!), the onion and garlic with one tablespoon and one teaspoon, respectively, of onion and garlic powder, the tomato with 1/4 cup Pace chunky salsa, and the lime with 1 tablespoon of Capri-Sun Tropical Zinger. Arriba! Arriba!

Zesty Mock-amole

Food allergies are an exciting way to stand out in a crowd, start interesting conversations, and meet new people. Plus, they’re super trendy right now! Do you know anyone with an avocado allergy? Probably not – which means you can be the first one! When you’re done with this recipe, all you’ll have to do is make up some symptoms. Instead of the avocados, just puree a cup and a half of mayonnaise and one cup of peas in your blender or food processor, then stir in the other ingredients. Sí Se Puede!

Guacamole of Brotherly Love

Do you want a thick and creamy take on traditional guac? Declare your independence from tradition when you add one package of softened Philadelphia cream cheese to the recipe above and serve over strips of beef and green peppers. You’ll be running up the steps of deliciousness and throwing your hands in the air just like Rocky Balboa!

Race Day Guacamole

Nothing says fitness like a big jar of protein powder on top of your fridge! Why not add a couple tablespoons to your guac, and replace the lime juice with a splash of Gatorade? With your Under Armour and ugly shoes, everyone will believe you’re totally a runner!

Locavore Guac

Avocados and limes only grow in tropical climates, meaning that unless you live in southern Florida – which, if you’re not an old Jew or a gun nut, you probably don’t – you might be out of luck with traditional guac. But don’t worry! Find whatever local produce you can mash up and substitute for the avocado. Squash, beans, broccoli – it doesn’t matter, just as long as you can demonstrate how much more you’re willing to spend on food than people who went to state schools.

Be sure to leave your exciting variations in the comments – and remember, guacamole is an easy way to express yourself, show off your adventurous side, and most importantly, reveal your superiority to others! Have a great summer! Vaya con Dios!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lies from 225

When I was about 27, I went to the doctor for the first time since high school. Among the mottos I live by is “don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to,” and I didn’t want to know that I weighed 225 pounds. I am an optimistic 5’10. A few years later, I dropped to  207 after spending a summer walking in the desert in Jordan, but I bounced back to the 220s a few years later. Sadly, I still hadn’t grown any taller, nor developed 19″ biceps. I also didn’t discover any localized gravitational phenomenon that would justify that weight.

As I write this, I weigh just over 172. I’m still not convinced that I don’t have some sort of wasting disease and that I’m not mere months away from dropping dead – or, worse, getting better and finding those decorative creases on my abdomen again.

When people start noticing you have bones in your cheeks and jaw again, they ask you how you did it.  I didn’t buy into any proper noun diet, I didn’t give up one dastardly ingredient, and I never read about the one “weird tip” that’s always featured in pop-up ads. The answer is pretty straightforward – I stopped lying to myself. It wasn’t just one lie, it was lots of lies. The only way I could fend off my insecurities and anxieties about my belly was to tell myself all sorts of stupid things so that I didn’t have to do the thing that would actually make me feel better, which was lose my big stupid belly. Among my favorites:

This makes me look thin. I believed that if I wore vertical stripes it would make me look thin. Or, I could cleverly leave my shirttails out to smooth out the bulges. I could buy”relaxed fit” pants. Also, I could hold my head just right in pictures andhide chins two through five. Magazines are full of tips like this, but what they don’t tell you is that to truly look thin, you should not weigh 225 pounds. It would pretty cool if Men’s Health had a cover story with the title, “You Should Not Weigh 225 lbs!”

Chicks dig the big guy.  This is a lie partly based on watching TV, where big slobs always have thin, hot wives. Being a “big guy” is completely acceptable, even encouraged. When I dropped from XL t-shirts to M, I actually thought “who wants to be a medium man?!” Yes, Girls used to tell me that I was like a big teddy bear. But is that a compliment? Is it because I had a round fuzzy belly? Or because I walked around in a red shirt and no pants like Winnie the Pooh? No one ever talks about Winnie the Pooh’s later life when 50 years of smackerels caught up with him and all he could do was sit in his recliner with his hunny pot cupped in the gap between his disgusting bear boobs.

Eating this will help me lose weight. You’re a food company, trying to fight against all of the bad press of the obesity epidemic. What do you do? Rely on three things you know about Americans: we like to eat, we like to try and buy our way to solutions, and we’re kind of stupid. Whole Foods’ entire business model is based on those three principals. So is the entire vitamin and supplements industry. Make a claim about the relative health of this or that product, and we will buy it. I wanted to eat snacks. Rold Gold was lower in fat than Doritos. So I ate them, and surprisingly, I didn’t lose any weight. It turns out that to to lose weight, you shouldn’t eat different things – you should just eat a lot fewer things.

That’s supposed to hurt.  I used to think that my ankles, knees, hips, and shoulders were starting to go. I was, after all, getting old in my mid-30s. In one of my first jobs, I worked with this miserable woman who always complained about her aches and pains. She was 26 at the time, and she was one of those deleterious voices in your life that conspires to convince you that you aren’t going to be active as you get older. Those are the evil voices of enablers, emanating from the same people who always make sure there are pastries in the break room. I couldn’t run around the block in my 20s, and I can run a couple miles at a stretch now. My knees got a whole lot better when I stopped asking so much of them. I motivate myself when I run by imagining that woman in my office, and running away from her as fast as I can. She’s probably rolling her ass around  in one of those Rascal things now.

I am a total gym rat. I started going to the gym regularly a decade or so ago. And for years, it didn’t do anything. I blame the fact that  I work out at the fitness center of an elite university, where I’ve witnessed people lift empty bars, drop medicine balls on their faces, and fall off the back of treadmills. It’s hard not to feel like Usain Bolt among such people. They’ve got their elliptical machine set at two so they keep their eyes on Das Kapital. So I set my machine at four, to be twice as tough – and I still don’t have to worry about actually sweating and dirtying my shirt. Tough and clean, that’s me. Keep that up for a few years, and it will do absolutely nothing.

I can eat that.  I once read something by the NYU professor Marion Nestle in which she mentioned that even trained nutrition professors couldn’t guess how many calories were in restaurant meals. When you’re trying to keep to roughly 2000 calories a day, the 100 calories per tablespoon of butter and mayonnaise really add up, and they’re in everything made at restaurants, because they help stick the cheese to the bun. In fact, I can’t eat that, and I really started dropping weight when I was making 18 or so of the 21 meals I ate each week. Luckily, without much use for God or professional sports, I have plenty of time each weekend for shopping and cooking.

I can lose weight whenever I want.  That’s a crock. My doctor said I could probably lose two pounds a week and be healthy. I can almost never do that. I’ve been much closer to losing 20 or pounds a year. I didn’t do any particular diet, but I also never put weight back on. The real downside of all this is that my old clothes look ridiculous on me. I spent a lot of money getting my suits taken in when I hit 190 and was on the job market.  With another twenty pounds gone, they look ridiculous again and I’ve been giving them away.

I still want to drop another 8-10 pounds. But I might be done lying to myself about my diet. I feel much better knowing that I’m a truth-telling 172 pounds of great driving, excellent dancing, original hairline-having human being. And you can’t even tell I’m almost 40.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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FAQ on Hacking Your Life with the Sesame Diet!

Is it true that when I Hack My Life with the Sesame Diet  I can eat WHATEVER I WANT?

That’s right! The miracle of Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet is that you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want!

So do I have to take a special pill or supplement? Isn’t it true that the best diets involve pills and supplements?

You can take a supplement if you want. Some of them are harmful, but most of them do nothing, so if your cousin has a supplement business and you want to throw some money his way, have at it.  Americans spend $5 billion on supplements every year, and it can’t all be a waste, can it?

Is the Sesame Diet compatible with Paleo?

Yes! As you know, the Paleo diet is a nice way to do what you wanted to anyway — eat lots of meat and buy diet books. You can do both, when you Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet! So eat like a caveman, and enjoy living until you’re 35 – just like a caveman!

So how many sesame seeds do I have to eat?

None! Sesame(tm) is a mnemonic device: Stop Eating SMuch. When you Hack Your Life! with this amazing new diet concept, you can lose weight, feel better, experience higher self esteem, increase your stamina, and save money!

I don’t get it. How does it work?

Simple! Think about the food you want to eat and then stop shoveling so much of it into the giant, gaping, hole in your face. That’s all there is to it! You’ve Hacked Your Life!

I’ve recently made up a food allergy for myself. Are there alternatives for hypochondriacs like me?

Yes! Many successful users of the Sesame method have discovered the exciting world of food allergies in the last few years. We understand that not having a food allergy can be an isolating and uncomfortable experience. With the Sesame method, you can eat whatever crappy alternatives to regular food that you want!

Is the Sesame Diet the same as a a cleanse? All of my friends are cleansing!

You know you have great friends when they share details of their bowel movements with you! When you Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet, you’ll look great and feel great, and the workings of your bowels are entirely up to you to share. Twitter is a great first step!

Is it true that Hacking Your Life with the Sesame Diet is based on ancient cultures and rituals? I love those!

When you Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet, you’ll be carrying on the traditions of people throughout human history who ate less than you do! The Maori, Tuareg, Bedouin, Inuit and many other followers of ancient and beautiful cultures can  be said to be Hacking their Lives with the Sesame Diet.

What about Eastern Medicine?

Yes! That too.

Does the Sesame Diet include probiotics?

-Biotic is one of the hottest suffixes in the diet world today. When you Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet, you’ll enjoy many benefits of probiotics, unavailable to those on abiotic, symbiotic, or antibiotic diets.

What other sorts of scientificish language supports your claims?

We’re glad you asked! Eating involves proteins, carbohydrates, and fats, made up of molecules! In your body, this molecules are subject to scientifically proven processes like digestion and excretion! This is what THEY don’t want you to know about!

Who’s “they?”

THEY. Doctors, nutritionists, and other researchers involved in the so-called health industry. THEY stand to lose BILLIONS if America chose Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet. Think about it: if you were healthy, you wouldn’t need all of these so-called experts. The health and medical industrial complex only makes money when you are unhealthy, whereas the diet industry only makes money by making you healthy. Which side do you want to be on?

So who developed the methods behind Hacking Your Life with the Sesame Diet?

The Sesame Diet is has been reviewed by traditional healers, medicine men, herbalists, witch doctors, faith healers, orderlies, and scholars with Ph.D.s in comparative literature.

How much weight will I lose?

When you Hack Your Life with the Sesame Diet, the limit is up to you! When you encounter food, simply don’t eat it. Continue not eating it until you reach your desired weight! You’ve Hacked Your Life!

It’s hopeless, isn’t it?

Pretty much.

 

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