Category Archives: Costco

Costco Has 12 Days of Twosies for Your Favorite Candidate!

There’s only a week before Christmas, and you still don’t know what to get for the Republican Presidential candidate on your list? Don’t worry! Costco is here to help. These candidates have been working hard most of this year, excreting their feculence all over America. Isn’t it time to thank them for dropping deuces on immigrants, Muslims, climate scientists, gays, Mexicans, common sense, good taste, and decency? We think so, too! Lucky for you and them Costco is number one for number twos!  Here are just a few suggestions to keep their back doors swinging all the way to the election:

Ted Cruz: 144 Preparation H Medicated Wipes
Look at that pinched face and that forced smile. The guy is clearly uncomfortable. Is it the cognitive dissonance of being a Princeton and Harvard alumnus and former Supreme Court clerk running as an everyman populist?  Or is it being an being an anti-immigration Cuban-Canadian? Maybe. Or maybe he’s just got the fire down below. Preparation H is the trusted name in taking care of flaming assholes. But careful! If Senator Cruz uses all 144 at once, he might disappear!

Marco Rubio: (2) 2 oz tubes of Preparation H Ointment
Rubio and Cruz are two sides of the same coin: young, inexperienced Latino senators from big southern states. Until Cruz finishes ripping Rubio a new one, his old one has got to be plenty sore: pushing out a steaming pile like a massive tax cut for the wealthy and finding $4 trillion to pay for it has got to burn. Get him the two pack – one for now, and one for when he has to explain why he thought George W. Bush did a “fantastic” job.

Ben Carson: 400 Kirkland Signature Brand Anti-Diarrheal Caplets
Most people would rethink many of their choices when realizing they needed to buy anti-diarrheals by the crate. But most people are not Ben Carson. The good doctor is squirting stools faster than his aides can wipe them up! Is China fighting in Syria? Were the Egyptian pyramids for storing grain? Did he actually stab a guy?  Ugh. This is getting disgusting. Act now to get this guy some anti-diarrheals before he smears his drawers like he smeared the reputation of neurosurgeons.

Jeb Bush: 200 Dulcolax Laxative Tablets
Hey! Remember Jeb?! We’re shocked to find out he’s still running. The electorate just isn’t ready for a gentle, predictable candidate this time around. But Bush is definitely ready for the gentle, predictable relief of Dulcolax – helping him drop the twin loads of his brother’s execrable Presidential record and his own failed education reform.  Jeb’s going to a need all the “comfort coating” he can get when the job he thought was his slips through his fingers all warm and wet like when your niece blew out her Huggies.


Chris Chrstie: Economy Pack of Preparation H Suppositories
Where would gift givers be without Costco’s incredible variety of Preparation H products? Finding the perfect one for the governor of New Jersey is tricky. Christie has been talking from his ass for so long, it’s gotta be sore: he was for gun control, Common Core, and immigration reform until he decided he wasn’t. Show the big guy you care with this supersized pack of suppositories: he can stuff ’em up there side by side.


Carly Fiorina: Trunature Digestive Probiotic.
Women don’t get constipated or irregular. They get “bloated” and need help restoring “digestive balance.” This is just the kind of euphemistic language perfect for Fiorina, who has turned her destruction of Hewlett Packard and disaster at Lucent into “qualifications” to be CEO of the US. Her “record of success” includes firing 30,000 people and the lack of a real job since 2005. Even through that weirdly botoxed face, you can see she’s straining under the weight of those giant BMs.


Donald Trump: Fleet Enema Six Pack
We had a great summer with Trump: every shart about Mexicans, women, and POWs was reported on like the embarrassing noise it was. It’s winter now, and The Donald is full on dropping ’em down his pant leg. There’s plenty more dookies in him – and this six pack is just the thing to get it all out at once.  Fleet enemas have a patented “comfort tip” – but that’s only for losers and cowards. Just wedge ’em in there, and let it all wash out at once. One big, stinky flow of fascism, racism, and misogyny. Just the kind of shit that should help keep his poll numbers strong. C











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Delicious Mediterranean Chickpea and Bullshit Dip

Tucked in amongst the vast shelves of dietary supplements, paper goods, and firearm fetish books written by victims of gun violence, Costco still sells food. In the last couple of years, they’ve added more refrigerated space, presumably because of major advances in sausage and dip technology. I made the mistake a while ago of mocking their wide selection of  hummus on Facebook, in particular the kind that was $2.99/pound and packaged in little plastic single-serve cups. Little plastic single serve cups topped with plastic seals, packed onto a cardboard tray, and then wrapped in more plastic. Take that, Earth!

Sadly, the environmental movement has long since given up hope in the face of the “we like giant trucks and a/c set at 62″ movement. Even so, this seemed excessively wasteful. And more than that, expensive. For reasons I can’t fathom, Costco carries three varieties of hummus, ranging from $1.99 to $2.99 a pound. I suppose that a certain kind of person feels entitled only to buy only the “good stuff”, even when said stuff is mostly chickpeas and tahini. Those people must’ve gotten lost on the way to Whole Foods, “where people who will believe anything shop(tm)!”

Given that the environmental argument seemed lost, I thought I could make an argument on cost. Surely, you could make hummus at a fraction of the cost that you could buy it at Costco. I decided to do the research. I went to the store and priced out the simplest recipe for hummus that I know, which is:

2 cans of chickpeas
2/3 cup tahini
3 cloves of garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice

Throw everything in a blender, food processor, or place in rip-stop bag and run over with rear wheel of Lincoln Navigator a few times. While making sure the a/c is on, of course. Also, if you can put a baby harp seal under the other wheel, more’s the better.

After careful research which required both multiplication AND division, I came to this conclusion: the Costco hummus at $1.99/lb is probably cheaper. I say probably, because once I realized that the chickpeas, tahini and garlic alone were going to run $1.39/lb – never mind the $129 blender I make it in – I gave up. Like I said, there was multiplication and division involved. Even with a marginal savings, I will concede to Costco and Big Hummus (really. Sabra is owned in part by Frito-Lay) that buying it by the bucket in the refrigerated aisle is a lot more convenient. This is particularly true if you don’t happen to keep olive oil, lemon juice, and tahini in the house. I do. But only for intimate purposes.

These results left me conflicted and divided, just like the land from which hummus comes. Was all hope lost, like the two-state solution? Could I somehow mount a comeback, like Hezbollah in Lebanon and have a successful jihad against the mighty Israeli Sabra and it’s American-backed force of Costco/Frito-Lay? Maybe I could just act like the whole thing never existed, like the Palestinians, Israel’s nukes, or Benjamin Netanyahu’s bald spot.

Why cook? For something simple like hummus, one can’t even argue that the homemade is that much better for you. Sure, the tubs o’ hummus have preservatives in them, but that just means they won’t get all of those white fuzzy patches on them after sitting in the fridge for a week.

The best argument I could come up with was that cooking was good, even it wasn’t necessarily better for you or cheaper. I was a better person because I cooked for my kids. Yeah, take that parents who spend money on their children! I grind up things in a blender for them! That’s love. I’m teaching them something about self-reliance, hard work, and always making sure that part of the blender lid isn’t in the carafe when you turn it on. And that’s how my kids got to enjoy a delightful applesauce with plastic chips one day last fall. Stupid blender.

Imagine my dismay when I realized that the Costco hummus can indeed counter my self righteous virtue. Though hummus is, again, mostly chickpeas and tahini, the vats carried all sorts of bold-faced text proclaiming that the puree was any number of the following:

-Gluten free
-Cholesterol free
-GMO free
-Dairy free

That’s a whole lot of freedom. And freedom isn’t free — it costs $1.99/lb. Sure, factually speaking we’re talking about a food that isn’t made from wheat, or animal fat, or crops that are subject to genetic modification, or milk. But if George Bush taught us anything in the War on Terror, freedom outweighs facts every single day. How could my homemade hummus in a ceramic bowl possibly counter freedom served with a side of bullshit?

And then it hit me like a homemade rocket attack for which I prepared a disproportionate response. I made my own food labels. Every time I open the fridge, I can look at my hummus and know that I am doing the right thing. I am both righteous and virtuous. Even better, people who eat the food I’ve made will know of the abundant amounts of righteousness and virtuousity of which I am possessed.

You can download the handy food labels I made yourself. They’re sized to print on standard Avery address labels, and you can put them on virtually anything that might not presently reveal your high moral standing to the world.

In designing these labels, I didn’t want to resort to complicated words and all the reading and knowing stuff that they require. I instead used powerful, powerful symbols of goodness known to all Americans. Big hummus has got gluten free? GMO-free? That’s nothing.  I’ve got the combined moral weight of Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Spider-Man, “Sully” Sullenberger, Martin Luther King, Jesus, Mr. Rogers,Anne Frank, Maya Angelou, Yoda, the Dalai Lama, and Gandalf the Grey.

Dip a an organic cholesterol-free pita chip in that and suck it, Costco.

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Costco and the End of the World

Costco is now selling emergency food. This is apparently the top of the line, a four person one year supply – or just over 30,000 servings of such delicious essentials as cans and cans of freeze dried potato “chunks.” When I first came across these products in one of the store’s monthly flyers, I thought “what kind of wackadoo buys this?” Thanks to the New York Times, I now know. They’re called preppers because the old term, hoarding paranoiacs, wasn’t snappy enough. With that out of the way, I have some other pressing questions.

If you are into this sort of thing, how do you decide what to buy? It seems risky to settle for 491 servings of pinto beans when you can get 621 servings of lentils for a measly two bucks more. I wonder if somewhere there’s a prepper convinced that his 39 pounds of beans in a six gallon bucket in his basement is normal, but that anyone would buy 1,384 servings of “ultimate fruit” is just overdoing it. Incidentally, I think this is the psychology behind the Hummer H2.

This stuff has a 25 year shelf life. If I was a hoarding paranoi – prepper, I would buy as much as possible. How do you know that there won’t be a catastrophic power failure in 2013, a zombie attack a few years later, and the total collapse of the economy as a result of Obamacare in 2020? Are you going to say that something that outrageous can’t happen? Thinking like that would make you a lousy prepper.

In the post apocalyptic hellscape, I probably won’t find myself worry too much about my dog.    Mostly because I’m sure he’ll never make it. The minute a zombie comes up the stoop, he’s going to be right there barking his stupid head off at the undead as if they were delivering my Mongolian chicken. Some people have invested more in obedience training than I have, and they’re lucky that Costco also sells emergency dog food. Leaving aside the probable infinite shelf life of plain old non-emergency kibble, it does make me wonder why in an emergency the dog couldn’t eat scraps of the human food (or scraps of humans themselves, since there’s sure to be some who failed to make thoughtful purchases from Costco before Obamacare kicked in) or simply be left to hunt and scavenge on its own. Somewhere under the sweater and snow booties and LED collar, it is still an animal with base instincts, sharp teeth, and a remarkable ability at self preservation. If you are dumb enough to have only bought a 1 year supply of food when the mother ship lands, you should at least have the decency to roll yourself in salt in your last minutes. That should keep the dog going for awhile.

Among the most reviewed of these items is for 267 servings of “deluxe meat.” No one wants to be discovered cowering in their basement by the Antichrist and not be able to offer him delicious (and deluxe!) “fajitas, casseroles, soups, pot pies, sloppy joes (or) tacos.” One of the reviews notes that the freeze dried sausage doesn’t really taste like sausage, as it isn’t greasy enough. Oh, to be a gourmand in the End Times! The reviewer goes on to say that the product is still relatively agreeable, and will be added to his pantry rotation. This means that someone out there is actually eating this stuff. Is that scarier than knowing that folks have been conned into spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on emergency food without ever, you know, planning to eat it?

I think I’m going to go hide under the bed. Without the dog.

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