Wild World of Iranimals

Chicago finally thawed a few weeks ago. Why not take the dog for a walk? See some birds, maybe some crocuses. Nope.  All I saw was the staggering, disgusting amount of dog crap. The only time I didn’t notice the dog crap is when I was trying to save myself or my dog from some other dog free of its leash in the park near my house. As 90+ pounds of inbred stupidity, teeth, claws, and drool came bounding towards us, the owner would yell “don’t worry! he’s a good dog!” Dog owners never believe it’s going to be their dog that attacks someone, and they’re never the person who didn’t clean up after their dogs. Of course, if that were true, there wouldn’t be so much dog crap everywhere, or dogs biting children, pedestrians, and cyclists.

This is why we should ban dogs. I would happily give up my dog if it meant never having to deal with anyone else’s dog or dog crap again. I know this will never happen. We’re obsessed with our dogs. We spent fifty-five billion dollars on our pets last year, mostly on dogs, and probably on premium dog food for people who don’t understand they’re feeding dogs. I wish we lived in a more enlightened society. Like Iran.

In 2010, Grand Ayatollah Naser Makarem Shirazi issued a religious ruling against dog ownership, noting that the animals are unclean. I can’t really argue with the Grand Ayatollah, and he hasn’t even been to the park near my house. He also viewed dog ownership as an import from the West, a place where some people love their dogs more than their wives or children. The Grand Ayatollah has a point. We have a lot of lonely, sick, depressed people in the West. People who refer to my eight year old mutt as “baby” or “puppy” and talk to him like he’s an infant, and not an animal that will happily eat the crap of other animals, but will throw up if he eats turkey.

I think America has a screwed up relationship with animals in general. I’ll tell you has the right attitude toward animals: Iran. While Americans are trying (and failing disastrously) to turn whales into entertainers at SeaWorld, Iran has recognized these vicious monsters for what they are: ideal weapons platforms. And the Iranians didn’t just limit themselves to whales. They’ve had weaponized dolphins, seals, and sea lions for well over a decade. These animals can attack enemies with harpoons strapped to their backs, or undertake kamikaze missions by carrying mines to enemy ships. I say it’s time we stop making sappy children’s movies where the orphan rescues the stranded whale, and start teaching our children about the dangers of homicidal kamikaze dolphins. I bet that that smile and those unblinking eyes don’t seem so adorable in the seconds before you’re impaled by a back-launched harpoon. Thank God for Vladimir Putin. If he hadn’t revealed Ukraine’s combat dolphins to be merciless traitors, we might never have known about Iran’s program at all.

Iran isn’t just after animal mastery in the aquatic dominion. They are sending their animal soldiers into space, as they develop ever more sophisticated rocket technology along with their nuclear program. You might know that in 1961, the US sent a chimp into low orbit for sixteen minutes. The chimp came back and lived the rest of his life at the zoo. Not a very exciting story. Compare that to Iran. Last year, they sent a monkey into space – and not long after, a different monkey came back. Just think: in what seemed like only fifteen minutes on earth, the original monkey entered into a wormhole and discovered a planet full of friendly aliens. He was able to establish an entire simian-alien civilization, which advanced to such a level that they were able to develop their own space program and send back an emissary to Earth. Sadly, they never developed the ability to speak Farsi, and the resultant episode was a PR disaster for Iran. Still, this was Iran’s most successful foray into space so far – no one knows what happened to the turtles, worm, and mouse they’d launched previously. Perhaps the cat they’re planning to send next will find them, though their whole space program is starting to resemble the Little Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly.

Iran has good reason to invest so heavily in animal-based defense technology. They are under constant threat from enemy animals in their region. And not all of them are as big or obvious as a harpoon-wielding kamikaze dolphins or transdimensional monkey astronauts.  Sometimes, the most lethal animals are those you’d least expect. I’m speaking of course of the fourteen spy squirrels that Iran arrested in 2007, no doubt under the direction of Iran’s mortal enemy, Israel. It’s not clear whether these were native Iranian squirrels turned to espionage by their Israeli handlers, or whether Israel was able to cleverly disguise their own Jewish squirrels and send them deep undercover. Either way, I’d love to see the video montage of their training.

Given the tensions in the region, it’s no surprise that Israel would try again to infiltrate Iran with highly trained rodents. As is the case with such things, Israel’s escalation led to a violent response from Iran. When the giant Zionist mutant rats invaded Tehran, the Iranian authorities showed them no mercy, deploying “ten teams of sharpshooters armed with rifles equipped with infra-red sights” in a “24/7 war” against the eleven pound rodents. Take that Israel! You’re just going to have to go back to ear poison, head-removing cell-phone bombs, or pretending to be Canadian.

If 9/11 taught us anything, it’s that there’s no event so terrible that it can’t be featured on a memorial tote bag.  But if it taught us two things, the other was that we ignore events in the Middle East at our peril. It’s only a matter of time before the Iranians or another one of our enemies deploys animals capable of despoiling our land land, terrifying and attacking our children, and destroying our economy. We’ll be left to cry havoc as they let slip the dogs of war. And their crap.













Fake monkey, fake missile launch

Iran Fatwa against dogs:



US uses Sea Lions:


Iran Squirrels:


Iran Giant Mutant Rats:




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4 thoughts on “Wild World of Iranimals

  1. Franci Hart says:

    Like it. But my dog-loving friends will miss the humor because they will get so caught up in your supposed attack on them. I am certain Steven Colbert will understand your pain

    Sent from my iPhone please excuse the mistakes

  2. Erin Bailey says:

    It’s the idiot owners, not the dogs. Down here in South Florida (or North Cuba as some call it) dogs are considered disposable. Actually, all animals are considered disposable once they have passed their cuteness stage. They are sent into the everglades to fend for themselves. We also have lots of dog fighting, cock fighting, etc. As far as the dog poop, Coral Springs solved the problem by not allowing dogs in any public parks except the 1 dog park. And dogs are not allowed on most public beaches. It’s not a dog friendly area. Yet everyone has a dog. And they walk them across the street or down the block to do their business on my lawn. Had one neighbor who lived right across the street and twice a day she would walk her pug across to my yard to crap, pick the crap up in a baggie and place it in my trash can. I don’t even understand. As I’ve said before, love the environment and weather down here, hate the people.

    • Yeah, yeah, it’s not to dogs, it’s the owners. It’s also the owners of guns. We can’t really ban irresponsible owner of either, so banning the things they can’t control seems perfectly reasonable to me.

  3. Susan Rossetti says:

    My question is…where the hell do find these crazy Articles…they seem rather obscure

    Sent from my iPhone


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