Every summer, the Ravinia Festival in Highland Park, IL attracts about 600,000 listeners to some 120 to 150 events that span all genres from classical music to jazz. We’re pleased to announce our 2014 schedule. Now we need YOU! We’re looking for people to help us choose artists for our popular music performances – simply answer the ten questions below to see if YOU qualify to be part of our team!
1. In your opinion, what is the purpose of live music?
A. Soothing background noise by which to enjoy with friends 365 Brand Soy Crispettes with Sea Salt on a Williams-Sonoma picnic blanket.
B. Soothing background noise by which to enjoy with friends Trader Joe’s Ruggedly Awesome Cowboy Bark served from Sur La Table picnicware
C. Soothing background noise by which to discuss with friends the advantages of housekeepers from Guatemala over housekeepers from Slovenia.
D. All of the Above
2. What is the tagline of your favorite music radio station?
A. Good Times, Great Oldies
B. Feel Good Hits of the 70s
C. Traffic and Weather Together on the 10s
D. None of the Above / all my music comes from cassettes purchased at Sam Goody’s in Northbrook Court
3. Toto is playing on Friday, August 29th. What year was their breakthrough album Toto VI released?
A. 1982, when you were 26
B. 1982, when you were 37
C. 1982, when you were 50
D. 2006, year that President Niyazov die and glorious American music was come to Turkmenistan
4. Chicago has been a key location in the development of which types of music?
A. Blues
B. House
C. Post-punk
D. alt.country
E. What’s Chicago?
5. Darius Rucker is playing on Saturday, June 28th. for the second year in a row. How many members of the program committee do you guess the former Hootie and the Blowfish front man have to sleep with for these gigs?
A. All of them, twice.
B. All of them, but only once.
C. Only one, but he threatened to tell everyone
D. None. It was mostly just oral.
6. The Moody Blues are playing on September 4th and again on September 5th. What explains the enduring popularity of this band among Baby Boomers?
A. The single “Nights in White Satin” came out in 1967, the year they first tried dope
B. The single “Tuesday Afternoon” came out in 1968, the year they first tried acid
C. The single “Gemini Dream” came out in 1981, the year they first became Republican
D. The reunion single “December Snow” came out in 2003, the year they first tried Cialis
7. Hall and Oates are playing on Sunday, June 22. Which one is Hall and which one is Oates?
A. Hall is the guitarist with long blonde hair and Oates is the bassist with black curly hair.
B. Oates is the guitarist with long blonde hair and Hall is the bassist with black curly hair.
C. Trick question: as men in their late 60s, they simply switch hairpieces every night.
D. Wait, which is the one that had the porn star ‘stache?
8. Match the artist with the US overseas detention center in which they were played as part of an “enhanced interrogation:”
A. Toad the Wet Sprocket (July 14) 1. Abu Ghraib, Iraq
B. Train (August 22, 23) 2. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba
C. Michael McDonald (August 29) 3. Camp Lemonnier, Djibouti
D. ZZTop (August 28) 4. Diego Garcia, Indian Ocean
E. Jeff Beck (August 28) 5. Bagram Airfield, Afghanistan
9. James Taylor is playing on June 26th and 27th. Why is “You’ve Got A Friend” your favorite song?
A. It was playing when you danced with your mom at your Bar Mitzvah
B. It was playing when you danced with your dad at your Bat Mitzvah
C. It was playing when you danced with your cousin at prom
D. It was hummed by the mohel after you converted for your darling Rivka
10. Ravinia is accessible by car and public transportation. What is the best way to get there?
A. Drive, and park in one of the pay lots.
B. Drive, park in a remote lot and use the convenient shuttle service
C. Take the Metra Union Pacific North Line right to the front gate
D. Take your medicine, stop talking to your dead husband, and enjoy the ride in the home’s van.
The Impotence of Being Earnest 
I hope Hall and Oates both sport the porn ‘stache.