Governor Blagojevich’s Celebrity Help Line

Dear Governor Blagojevich,

Lately, girlz don’t want anything 2 do with me. I don’t know what it is. I used to be very popular! I’m handsome, I have a good singing voice, and I can dance well 2. I have lots of good guy friends but I feel like I’m invisible to women. What’s going on? 

Robin Thicke
Canada, United States

First, please call me Rod. And welcome to my new column! I am so happy to be off dish duty – and this sure does break up the monotony of prison life. Once I learned how to do my own braids, it’s been pretty dull around here. Oh well – what could be more exciting than providing advice to celebrities? And Robin, I’m especially happy to help the man whose song dominated the summer of 2013.

The thing you have to realize is this: until a couple of weeks ago, no one over the age of 25 knew anything about you or your music (Boy, I wish I could go back to that kind of anonymity!) Then you were on the Video Music Awards on MTV – both of which are also ignored by people over 25 – but this time, you were letting a girl half your age rub the wrinkles out of your suit with her butt. While you were still wearing the suit. Clips and photos were everywhere. Even people old enough to have mortgages saw it, though not until the next morning when they had to find it on Youtube after hearing about it on NPR.

I’ve got girls not that much younger than Miley Cyrus. Now, I may be a morally bankrupt lying scumbag, but I’m not a perverted morally bankrupt lying scumbag.  Me and all the other dads out there are going to tell our daughters to keep away from you. No one wants to think about some 36 year old man trying to get it on with their girls. Even worse, they don’t like thinking about their girls getting a weird infection after she gets dry cleaning residue twixt her nethers. And what is with that suit anyway? Were you visited by a referee from the All Gay NFL of the future and liked his look?

But let’s go to the big picture here, Robin. It’s not just your actions, it’s your words. I listened to “Blurred Lines” a couple times before lights out the other night. You can’t call a woman “bitch.” I extorted a children’s hospital for money, and I still had an approval rating of 9% when I was impeached  (turns out 9% of Illinois is old people I gave free train passes).  You know what my approval rating would’ve been if I’d called girls “bitch?” Zero. Worse, you let Pharrell Williams into your song and he ALSO refers to the girl as “bitch.” Hillary Clinton once called my good friend Tony Rezko a slum landlord, but if he had called her a bitch back, I would have kicked him and the bags of cash he got from shakedown scams out of my office. Everyone has their limits.

I’m really uncomfortable with the whole message of your song. You’re calling this girl a bitch, but then insisting again and again (because there’s only about 12 words in your 4 minute song) that she’s a good girl. So the  “blurred lines” come from the fact that she is apparently wearing jeans that don’t require steaming? Is that because you invented the butt-based wrinkle removing system Ms. Cyrus used on the VMA? Kidding of course. No one here in the joint gets my humor. It’s going to be a long twelve years.

Robin, just because a girl wears tight jeans doesn’t mean that you can “know she wants it.” Maybe just likes wearing tight jeans. I knew this girl once who wore tight jeans because she said that when her butt looked good, she looked good. This girl had a face like a horse. The jeans were just her way to direct your attention and stop offering her apples.

You’re coming across as a little creepy, and I know creepy. I’ve been a bookie and a boxer and I only got political office because someone owed my father in law a favor, but I’ve never had women dancing around me in plastic like they were dolls I didn’t finish taking out of the package.  You know, I’m a singer, too. Sometimes I do my Elvis bit for the guys in my ward and sing “Big Hunk O’ Love.” A classic! The King knows its all about the wink-wink-nudge-nudge. He wouldn’t be bragging about his manhood in balloon letters. You gotta be subtle, like me. I told people I was blacker than President Obama and let them figure out what it meant.

Girls Miley’s age are weird. They’re at a time they’ve got to go and show they’re growing now. It’s the facts of lIfe. It  takes a lot to get them right, and sometimes the world never seems to be living up to the dreams. You should know that. It’s the theme song to the “Facts of Life” that your mother wrote and sang.

Speaking of your folks, has your dad talked to Kirk Cameron lately? That guy thinks bananas are proof that God exists! And people think I’m bonkers. For the record, I’m not. I’m a sociopath.

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3 thoughts on “Governor Blagojevich’s Celebrity Help Line

  1. stephanie says:

    Loved to Serenity reference. I thought I was the only who saw that movie.

  2. Susan Rossetti says:

    Because of you i now know that bananas come from sterile plants. A biology lesson to start off my day

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’m bad. I broke up laughing about feeding apples to the girl. Hilarious piece!

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