We’re going to bomb Syria! This is great! Not because it might stem the violence that has already killed 100,000 people and sent many, many more to live in squalid refugee camps. Because it won’t. And certainly not because we need to demonstrate that the US won’t tolerate the use of chemical weapons, because we’ve been totally cool on the use of chemical weapons in the Middle East when it suited us. Worse, we’ve made it clear that you can kill 100,000 people by conventional means, and we’ll look the other way – as long as the other way is towards Miley Cyrus, and not at a crisis elsewhere in the Middle East. Say, in a place that enjoys kushary and just had a non-coup.
From an economic point of view, I figure we might as well bomb Syria. Wouldn’t it be a waste if we spent 20% of the federal budget on defense and didn’t bomb the crap out of somewhere every so often? The only thing we spend more on is healthcare, and I’m personally committed to getting fatter and less active so that I get my taxes’ worth (I’m writing this on my phone, sitting on my Rascal in the drive through line at Taco Bell).
The only thing I love more than the US bombing the crap out of stuff is news coverage of the US bombing the crap out of stuff. So many cool videos, graphics, and analysis. But for lack of a theme song, it’s like a less gay Monday Night Football. Sports and war are great for American television – there’s winners and losers, good guys and bad guys, underdogs,and heaps of human interest. All you really need is a side to cheer for.
Usually, I root for the United States. Because it’s where I live, and it’s the country where the faithful have most closely realized Jesus’ vision of preserving wealth for the wealthy. If the US isn’t fighting, then I cheer for whatever English-speaking country has skin in the game, because English is the language of the Bible. Sometimes I honor the debt of gratitude incurred by the Greatest Generation and root for our former allies in World War II. But not the French, Russians, or Chinese. Because the French are from France, Putin is a jerk, and they never taught us about the Pacific theater in high school.
Every so often, though, I like to root for the smaller teams. Like when no one I care about is playing, or when there’s nothing on and I just want to see some destruction. Among the great things about the War on Terror – and there are many – are the number of teams. It’s like the World Cup! And that’s what got me into thinking about my favorite terrorist groups.
Oh sure, you’ve got your fan favorites, the big franchises like al Qaeda or underdog champions like Hezbollah, who beat league powerhouse Israel in the Lebanon Games in 2000 and again in 2006. I’ve also get Hezbollah in my office pool for the upcoming Syria Finals. Go Green!
Sometimes, you just love a team for it’s name, like the way I loved the Pittsburgh Pirates when I was a kid because their uniforms were so cool. This is why I always follow the MILF. Sure, I’m not particularly interested in Islamist militants fighting for independence in the southern Philippines, but they’re called MILF! I imagine them running through the jungle in form fitting tank tops and capri pants taut over their shapely legs, their long hair no less lustrous for having just a hint of gray.
What if a group that has killed 2,000 people since 1999 in Nigeria was also responsible for one of the great anthems of the Summer of Love in 1967? It wasn’t, but Boko Haram is so close to Procol Harum it makes me turn a whiter shade of pale. Boko Haram actually means “Western Education is Sinful” in Hausa but that doesn’t mean that they can’t skip a light fandango and turn cartwheels across the floor. Though they should probably take the Ak-47s off their shoulders first.
But if you’re really into the Global War on Terror, there’s no better team than the Mujahedeen e Khalq. The MEK is the true fan’s terrorist group. If you’re new to this, you might think they have to choose between nationalist, Islamist, Marxists, or messianic personality cults. What if you could have all four? That’s right, a quadruple threat – they’re like the Bo Jackson times two of terrorists, if Bo Jackson had attacked American servicemen, sided with Khomeini, turned against Khomeini, been part of the case for war against Iraq, and then become an ally of the US in the fight to thwart Iran’s nuclear program? Bo Jackson looks like kind of uninteresting now, doesn’t he? The guy could catch and throw an oblong piece of pigskin or a round piece of cowhide. Big whoop. You get your own Nike commercial for that?
As I’m sure you’ll remember, President Bush made a well-reasoned and air-tight case for war in Iraq. Among the many charges against Saddam was that he supported terrorist groups. One of the two groups the White House cited was the MEK. The MEK killed six Americans in Iran in the early 1970s. Once the Shah was gone the MEK spent 30 years targeting Iranians. You read that right, sports fans. We invaded Iraq because Saddam supported a group that was attacking Iran. Iran, our enemy that actually had nuclear weapons. Unlike Saddam, who turned out to be only stockpiling facial hair.
When was the last time you said “are you f$%king kidding me?” You feel like saying it now? Good. Because the terrorist group that was a motivation for the US invasion of Iraq then tipped off the US that Iran had restarted uranium enrichment in Natanz in 2002. We were so happy to find this out that we brought militants from the group to Nevada in 2005 for training. Actual training in combat, weapons and tactics. And the sauce on this bullshit barbecue sandwich? They were still on the State Department terrorist watch list at the time. Sure, they were a nationalist Islamist Marxist cult of personality that killed thousands of people. But then they started working with the Mossad to kill Iranian nuclear scientists. After all, you’re an Islamist terrorist group, it’s only natural that you would work with ISRAEL. This is a nationalist Islamist Marxist cult of personality that knows how to play big time ball! They leave it all on the field and other sports cliches, too!
The MEK got themselves off the terrorist watch list last year. Unlike your AAA league terrorist groups, the MEK could maim and kill AND hire high powered DC insiders to lobby on their behalf. They paid the former governor of Pennsylvania, Ed Rendell, $150,000 to speak on their behalf. And then they got Newt Gingrich on their side. The man who looks like an angry baby’s face was stuck on the front of a giant horndog marshmallow was caught on video bowing to the leader of the group. The MEK had lots of other help getting off the terrorism list, but Newt is the only one who is also a tireless advocate for space sex.
I wonder if he knows about the MILF. He’d be totally into them as long as they didn’t get cancer.
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